


Left Without a Means

by lemonpansy



Category: Marvel
Genre: Crack, Loki is a drama queen, Other, dumb shit, loki gets trapped on midgard, probably a satirical characterisation of loki oops lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-27 21:19:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12590744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonpansy/pseuds/lemonpansy
Summary: Follows Loki after he is banished to Midgard after pushing his luck with Asgardian law. He is stranded with no money, no shelter, no weapons, no change of clothes, and surrounded by locals who won't take his cocky bullshit.Shenanigans ensue.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> woah what lmao hey this is my first published fanfiction ever so yikes please b gentle!!
> 
> could be considered OOC but tbh i consider this just an exaggerated version of a character i love ;-)) 
> 
> anyway lol i hope anyone who reads this enjoys it and if they want more hmu because i will continue it with pleasure honestly

"Brother Loki! You are hereby banished from Asgard! You are not to return for all eternity. Be gone!" Thor's voice thundered.

"WHAT?! You have got to be bloody kidding me! How could you do this to me? What did I ever do??" Loki shouted back.

Thor pointed an accusing finger. "We have given you one too many opportunities to reform yourself. You have taken advantage of our kindness and you continued to break rules."

Loki gasped and put a hand over his breast, scandalised. "Name ONE thing that I have done wrong," he said indignantly.

"There are many! You created an obscene mural depicting myself with male genitalia inserted in my mouth, you urinated into a fountain, you exposed yourself atop a balcony whilst shouting into a megaphone 'Eat my ass, I am a god!', you threw stones at children, you destroyed a local eating establishment because they would not provide you a free sub, and most recently, you interrupted a private banquet, once again disrobed and also intoxicated, insisting that those attending should eat off of your naked body..." Thor counted each offense off on his fingers as he listed them. "There are many more, I am sure," he said, "and this will be the last time."

Loki frowned and crossed his arms like a petulant child. "I will NOT leave Asgard! You cannot force me to do anything! Those are all such silly, trivial things! I can't possibly be banished for such ludicrous reasons!"

Thor sighed. "Very well. If you will not go quietly, I will have to use force."

He gestured and two burly guards appeared by Loki's sides and grasped his arms.

"HEY!" Loki squirmed in their grip. "What do you think you're doing-"

"Take him to the Cannon," Thor said to the guards. "Farewell, Loki. Hopefully this will teach you an important lesson." He nodded and the guards began to drag Loki away.

"THOR!! You utter JERK! You're just going to let them fire me off to Midgard while you - OUCH! Watch your bloody grip you beefy buffoon, you're hurting my arm!" Loki yelled, kicking and struggling as he was pulled across the polished floors.

Thor did not appear to hear Loki's shouts, and had turned and began walking back to his quarters, red cape billowing out behind him.

* * * *

After a short while, the guards had reached the balcony on which the Cannon was located. Loki had been slung over one of the guard's shoulders, still writhing and shouting. He beat on the guard's back with his fist.

"Let me down from here! If you put me in that cannon I'll ruin your whole life! I swear I'll - umph!"

The guard heaved Loki into the Cannon. The second guard was standing behind it, preparing a match.

"You won't be able to ruin our lives when you're down in Midgard," he chuckled, striking the match and putting it to the Cannon's wick. Loki heard it fizzle and his eyes widened in horror.

"No no no no no - AUGGGGHHHHHH!!!"

The Cannon fired, sending a shrieking Loki hurtling through the sky, like a green, gold and evil comet.

* * * *

Loki found himself flying through cold pelting rain as he entered Midgard. He braced himself as he fell down towards the earth. He hit the ground with force, mud flying in all directions with a slap.

"Oh bloody hell! I only just got to this slimy hellhole and I've already dirtied my best clothes!" Loki huffed, standing up. He attempted to wipe the mud away, to no avail.

"Wonderful. Now I'll have to wander round with these - these PEASANTS, looking like I've soiled myself," he grumbled. "I'll have to find a dry-cleaner's now. Where's the next city?"

Loki peered at his surroundings. There wasn't very much about. There was lots of mud and patchy grass, and tall gum trees grew sparsely. There was a wire fence in the near distance and over it, a bitumen road. 

Loki headed towards the fence and attempted to get over it. His foot caught in the wire and he fell over, landing in another patch of mud.

"Bloody hell!"

Loki got to his feet again, now grumpier and muddier than ever. The rain was making his clothes cold and damp. Well. Maybe the day wouldn't get much worse. He could see a street sign ahead. He walked the few metres and read it. 'WEDGEWORTH CITY CENTRE: 4 KM'

Four kilometres in the cold and rain??

Yes. The day could get worse, Loki thought bitterly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki finds civilisation, and attempts to locate a dry-cleaner. Shit happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter that is way longer lmfao enjoy the shit

It took Loki nearly two hours before he managed to reach the city. There was a shocking wave of relief that rolled through him as he passed the first signs of civilisation. It felt like a blessing when he could ditch walking on the side of the road and walk along a footpath instead.

Unfortunately, it still didn’t do much for his dismal situation. Loki’s clothes were wet and heavy, clinging to him uncomfortably. His hair was stuck to his forehead and hung in limp, slick strings about his shoulders. Everything was cold and damp and immensely unpleasant. 

He had to find that dry cleaner’s and fast. 

Loki continued along the road, pausing occasionally to look around. The buildings that surrounded him were incredibly boring and ugly - made of bricks and cement - nothing like the intricate and beautiful architecture in Asgard. 

He kept getting odd looks from the cretinous locals, too. One even called out ‘Going to a party?’. Fools! Clearly the concept of fashion was too difficult for their tiny minds to grasp. 

Cars roared past him as he stopped at a set of traffic lights. One car passed with children gaping at him from the rear window. Loki scowled and raised his middle finger at them. 

The light turned green and Loki crossed the road, wondering which district would have a dry cleaner’s. He did not want to interact with the humans here, but without a map or knowledge of the place, it seemed that it was currently his only option. The entire city was poorly maintained and Loki wondered if anyone here even used dry cleaning.

Scanning the people around him as he walked, he attempted to locate anyone who looked like they could help him. 

It appeared most of the population wore clothes that looked like they were pulled out of some grunge-beast’s asshole. However, with a stroke of luck, he spotted a woman in front of an office building, wearing a pressed suit and holding a cigarette between her fingers.

Loki picked up his pace to approach her, and grimaced when he felt his clothes squelch. The woman looked up with an arched eyebrow when he stopped in front of her.

‘YOU! Well-dressed mortal! Tell me where I can find a dry cleaner in this wretched place!’ Loki shouted, jabbing a finger in the woman’s direction. 

She ignored him and looked off to the side, taking another drag of her cigarette. 

Nettled, Loki tried again.

‘Excuse me? Did you not hear me?’

Ignored again. This time she even rolled her eyes. What a bitch. Had she no idea who he was??

Loki huffed. ‘Fine! Ignore me then you pitiful wench!’

That got her attention. 

‘What did you just call me??’ 

Her mouth was open in disbelief and her nose and brows scrunched. Very unattractive indeed. Loki turned his nose up at her. 

‘I called you a pitiful w-’

The sentence was sharply cut off by a hard slap to his face. It was hard enough to draw a gasp from him. 

The woman pressed her smoldering cigarette into the fine fabric of Loki’s cape. He could smell it burning, but didn’t say a thing. That crazy bitch had rendered him mute, jaw aching from the force of her palm. 

‘The dry cleaner’s is two blocks away on the left,’ the woman spat. ‘If you come near me again, I’ll punch you square in the cock, you costumed freak!’

She turned on her heel, dropped her cigarette butt and retreated back inside the office building.

Loki stood for a moment, rubbing his raw skin. He got the information he needed, but that woman had made it unnecessarily difficult. If she had just answered him the first time he asked, he wouldn’t have needed to resort to insults! 

It wasn’t important now though. He could get where he needed to and that was that.

 

* * * *

 

It started raining again before Loki found the dry cleaner’s. When he saw the shop’s sign, he could have cried with relief. He slammed open the door and a bell jangled above his head, alerting the woman at the front desk. Loki stomped into the shop, thoroughly wet and thoroughly irritated, dripping water all over the carpeted floor. 

‘At last!’ Loki cried. ‘Staff!’

The young, mousy woman behind the desk looked confused, but gave a weak smile nonetheless.

‘How can I help you today, sir?’ 

Loki gave an exaggerated, gasping sigh.

‘You would not believe the day I have had! Bloody awful! Finding this place has been the only good part of today! I need this apparel cleaned immediately!’

The woman’s eyebrows pinched in confusion, and she peered over the desk.

‘Of course, er, where is the clothing in question?’ 

Loki frowned, and put his hands on his hips. 

‘I am WEARING the apparel,’ he said sourly, gesturing dramatically at himself. 

The desk-woman was looking increasingly stressed, and her eyes darted from side to side anxiously.

‘Well, the thing is, we can’t clean any garments that are, erm, being worn-’

Loki interrupted her with a derisive snort.

‘I know that,’ he sneered. ‘I’m not an idiot. OBVIOUSLY I’m going to remove them first!’

The woman straightened in her seat. 

‘So, you’re here to book?’

‘Book??? Why would I need to book?? I’m right here!’

‘Well, er, to change clothes so you can bring in the ones that need to be cleaned?’

‘No need!’

And with that, the god of mischief stripped butt-naked in the middle of a tiny dry-cleaner’s. The desk-woman looked horrified, colour drained from her face. 

Loki smiled widely at her and dumped his sodden clothing on the desk. 

‘There! Clean them! I’ll wait here!’

‘I’m calling the police! This is indecent!’ 

‘POLICE??? If you call the police on me I’ll ruin your whole life! Just clean my bloody clothes and I’ll be on my way!’

The woman leapt from her seat and armed herself with a phone. 

‘Put your clothes back on and leave!’

‘You expect me to LEAVE?? No! I came here to get my clothes cleaned and I won’t leave until I get what I came for! You stupid fool, I’ll destroy this whole place if I must!’

The woman fumbled with her phone and jabbed her finger on three numbers. 

‘IF YOU CALL THEM I’LL DO SOMETHING HORRIBLE! THE WORST THING YOU COULD IMAGINE, I AM CAPABLE OF!’ Loki screeched, throwing his hands in the air.

The woman screamed and dialed the number.

‘Hello??? Yes I need the police! I’m being threatened by a crazy naked man - no! No this isn’t a prank call! Please!   
Yes - yes - 13a Maple Street! Thank you!’

The woman puts down the phone on her desk and points accusingly at Loki.

‘You’re getting arrested you disgusting man! The police will be here any minute!’

With that, a police car screeched to a halt in front of the shop. Loki spun around to face the police that were marching towards the door. One was thin and ginger with a pinched, weaselly face, and the other was sandy-haired and stocky with a patchy beard.

The men burst in and shoved Loki face-first onto the desk. 

‘OW! You stupid fools! I’m not a criminal! You should be arresting this moronic woman for withholding my dry cleaning!’ 

‘Save it, buster. Hands behind your back,’ the ginger cop said.

Loki struggled against the grip of the policemen, spitting insults and attempting to free himself, to no avail. They cuffed him and dragged him out of the shop, still naked, and tossed him unceremoniously into the back of the police car. 

This scenario was unpleasantly reminiscent of another time he was thrown somewhere against his will, Loki thought bitterly.   
Only this time it was in a shitty place on shitty Midgard, so whatever happened now would be far more annoying than anything at home. 

All he could do now was sit in the back of this stupid car and wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes police don't come that fast or use that much force lmfao but this is a fanfiction i am the god i can make anything happen

**Author's Note:**

> hope u liked this trash ❤️


End file.
